My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
