JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
