Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
