Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
