I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
