M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
