I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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