She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
