i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My penis needs a shock collar
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
