Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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