dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
