I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
