so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
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Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
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I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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