I swear she didn't look like that last week.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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