according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
