Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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