Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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