I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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