just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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