He uses pillows to masturbate.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
