So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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