I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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