i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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