When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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