god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
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at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
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I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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