I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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