my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
