My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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