Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
