Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
