Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
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I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
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So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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