we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
