based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
