Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
