You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
