Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
