i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
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There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
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CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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