I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
