Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
