I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
