if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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