I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
