Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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