When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
