We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
