does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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