You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Randomize
