do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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