I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
