i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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