if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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