dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
