just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
