Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
