Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
