hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Acid is not a monday night drug
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
