apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You made out with two different species that night
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
