First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
