cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
