Your dad touched me again.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
